Chris - Thanks so much for talking with me last night. You are a kind soul.
Tom - My goal when I graduate is to paint. I had at one time entertained the thought of being a teacher, perhaps at the community college, or university level. I've put that on the back burner as it seems simply a diversion and I can't imagine the thought of grad school at this point! Teaching was not my goal when I signed up. I was hoping to learn to paint. Instead, I've been prodded into broadening my horizons. Good, if I were 18, didn't have four kids, two grandkids, strong political opinions, hadn't of spent nine years in the Army, worked in nursing homes and jails, thought a lot about life and death and actually lived through it, weighed religion or no, or if I cared to paint about world hunger and American's tendency to eat junk food. I really don't care. I care about light and color and composition and I want to know how to lay on paint in a way that stirs the soul, not simply shocks it. So, right now, I feel I'm locked in a rubber room. The answers to all my desires are just outside the door and the only importance the degree holds for me is the fact I've put a lot of work into getting it. I graduate next year.
I will say this, the torture ebbs and flows. I have met a lot of really nice people at school. I enjoy the studio time with my friends and the practice of drawing and painting is always a good thing. Like a teacher I had back in the community college (who actually taught me something) used to say, "You can always learn more, you can never learn less!" I really enjoy my art history and literature classes. I know I will not regret having done this. My frustration comes mainly from my own ineptitude. One day, I will know what I want to know and then... I will want to know more!
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