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Pat,
Drawing critique is not my forte but I have a couple of impressions.
About your flattering question, I would not attempt to alter much of what you see before you. In your sketch you have rendered the eyes of a mature man, then you began to eliminate some of the character of the wrinkles which match up with the eyes. I think you are creating an incongruity with this approach. I would draw what you see.
Secondly, the photograph has given you a lot of good things. First it has given you a wonderful dynamic composition which I would use. Look at all the nice lost and found edges. Maybe those darks would be tough with your pencil, I would explore a different medium, maybe charcoal would be better. Personally I like soft black pastel.
These are the musings of a single pilgrim.
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Mike McCarty
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