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Louise,
I've been looking at this a while now. You've done a really competent job with the proportions and drawing. I think for me the harsh delineation and value transitions are what stand out as problems.
The reference photo makes this clear. Look at the eyebrow and eye area, for instance. In your pastel the edges of the eyebrows are too sharp and too different in value from the skin. The whites of her eyes are too light, they don't sit in shadow, close in value to the rest of her eye. If you don't like the way the shadow makes her eye all one value and hides the color of her iris, then this is a good reason not to pose her in shadow, but it's not good to make up the color. The main point is that you have delineated all the features to the point where everything reads as separate pieces, separate features, instead of as abstract areas of color and value. Edges may or may not be there, and there is no need to put them in everywhere. The head will "read" more realistically if you let the transitions happen as they do in life.
Alex
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