Gwen,
I don't think I'm qualified to do a critique, but I can offer a learning source that's helped me a lot. It's Ann Kullberg's book,
Colored Pencil Portraits Step by Step. I bought her book and found out she lives in my area (sort of) so I took one of her workshops. She does beautiful work; and you can see it on this site, she's one of the SOG artists. She puts out a web magazine, and she offers CP instruction kits at
www.portraitartist.com/kullberg.