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A paraphrase of Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe is: If I call good what is bad I do damage. My family is a very loving family. We're a very simple family in which anything done is considered good. I wanted to paint, so my parents and aunts and uncles complimented me. I was "talented," "gifted." I went to art school and saw how mediocre I really was. Still, I knew I saw "talented," "gifted."
It was so painful to see that the image on the paper in no way agreed with my imagination of who I was. Other students in my classes were better than I was. Excuses came to my mind to protect my imaginary self image. "He's got a better view of the model," or "the teacher helped him." I wasn't getting it. Drawing became the painful event of the day in which I'd learn who I really was but couldn't admit to being.
That is my recipe for fear. It stopped me dead. It never stopped me from drawing or painting. For 19 years I did it every day but I didn't enjoy it as much as I could have if I didn't carry around this imagination.
Finally after years of torture, I began to let it go. Reaching middle age allows a person to see with more truth who one really is. Michelangelo was great at 15. Mozart wrote music at 4. OK, I'm 35 and I'm not in their league. Slowly the thought "Just be the greatest artist you can be" began to solidify in me. The fear bean to soften. It isn't gone, but it is easier to deal with.
Am I angry with my family? No. They are a dear group of people who mean well. They still do it. I just want more. I've been gifted with determination, they with relaxation. How many of you have never had the thought, "Wouldn't it be nice to not feel I have to be in the studio every day? Why not rent a video and veg out?" Well, we can't. So let's embrace our art.
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